• July 14, 2014

William, Kate are parents; cue evil laughter

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Posted: Friday, July 26, 2013 4:30 am

This week, the royal baby was born in the U.K.

I always laugh at anything pertaining to the British royal family, because I simply don’t get it, but this event generated a different type of laughter.

The evil kind.

My son is almost a month old now, and I am absolutely ecstatic to know these royals will soon be going through everything I’ve been going through — late night crying fits, poopy diapers, spit up — all the fun parts of being a parent.

Being of the insane level of privilege they are, I know they will have a pretty massive amount of support, but I also know after my own experience, there is no way a fleet of nannies will do everything.

As parents, they simply won’t allow it.

Sure, I imagine Prince William won’t be changing diapers anytime soon, but he will be getting up in the middle of the night and being vomited on. Let’s see him act all cool and distant after that.

And that’s the big thing I’m happy about: the stress a new baby creates.

The royal family has this weird thing where you aren’t allowed to be, well, human, in public. No matter what happens, they are supposed to keep a cool, calm demeanor that usually results in them looking pissed off.

Don’t believe me? Look up videos of Princess Di’s funeral and tell me what Queen Elizabeth II and Charles are experiencing. Will and Kate’s wedding was the same way.

There’s a part of me that has always wanted to have dinner with the British royal family, and eat something that is inherently messy, like ribs or barbecue wings.

Watch them try to maintain that composure while getting coated in barbecue sauce. That would give me a kick in the pants.

But now they have a baby! I’m not expecting to see Kate Middleton leave the house in yoga pants and a chip clip holding her hair, but I do know whenever she is in public looking beautiful she is absolutely exhausted.

Both she and William are expected to maintain the calm British composure and it is going to be so hard on top of the stress of raising a baby.

That is what makes me smile and laugh wickedly.

Yet I am sad, because I know the fleet of nannies will step in for what William and Kate don’t want to do. Is it the middle of the night feeding? The 3 a.m. dirty diaper? Or the spit up all over the place? No matter what it is, they’ll ring a bell and send Bartleby or whoever to take care of it.

My only hope is Kate is, you know, a mother. In the short amount of time my son has been alive, I know my wife trusts herself above all others with the care of my son. While a nanny would be helpful, the vast majority of things still would be done by either her or me.

I would expect Kate to be the same way, because like her deceased mother-in-law, she actually smiles a lot.

That implies being human, and if that is the case, she gets to join the legion of sleep-deprived parents of which I am a proud member.

Hurray!

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