During a time I fondly remember, called “Before Children,” I was impressed by far different things.

I was impressed by which colleges friends were getting accepted into, the jobs they landed after graduation, types of engagement rings, honeymoon locations, the hip restaurants people were visiting and the like.

Now that I am in the throes of twin motherhood, what impresses me now consists of how a person can pull off the “day-three of the no-shower-top-knot,” how many ways a person can make yoga pants look pulled together, how many errands someone can run with children in tow and being able to eat a meal while it’s still hot — with your kids sitting at the same table.

I’ve said it before, but parenthood really changes you. It’s not a bad thing — you just learn to appreciate things like going to the grocery store to pick up milk alone and being able to use the bathroom in peace.

If you can do, or have done, any of the above, my hat is off to you. However, if you really want to blow my hair back, please tell me how it’s possible to sell and keep your house “showable” with twin-ados, two dogs and a husband in the military, all while running on no sleep.

Seriously, is this even possible?

Has this ever been successfully accomplished?

As a military spouse, I pride myself on not being a hoarder and being an expert purger, but trying to declutter and make a hall closet look normal to the unassuming homebuyer while your twins are doing God knows what in their room should be considered a super power.

I am at the point where I just want to throw everything outside — dogs and Cheerios included — with a sign that says “free.”

Trying to keep my house clean has never been more difficult.

The twins find food tastes the best off the floor and they have totally upped their mess-making skills. I found a wooden spoon under my pillow, a pair of shoes in the trash and a half eaten apple in my pantry.

Even my dogs are getting in on the act.

Their new favorite thing is to find the wettest part of the yard and run back and forth, creating a muddy gully. Then, before I even have time to process the fact that they are muddy and wet, they have proceeded to cover the floor, walls, carpet and my bed with mud (at least I hoped it was mud) and grass.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Meal times have always stressed me out because I never know how much food my children are actually going to consume. Now, in addition to finding foods my picky pack will eat, I have to make sure it won’t take me hours to clean up after. Our current go-to’s included anything with a heap of ketchup and spaghetti with meat sauce — the two worst things ever to serve children when you are trying to sell your house.

Two boxes of Magic Clean Erasers and two hours later, the walls of my dining room have no trace of last night’s dinner.

To make matters worse for me, while everyone is decorating for Fall, I am over here trying to make my house look like no one lives here while still living in it.

First-world problems, ladies and gentlemen.

Pity-party aside, I have to give props to our agent. Not only did it take me two attempts to get my house photos done, I don’t know how many times I have called her too early in the morning to ask her a million questions and change our selling timeline.

So if you have ever managed to get someone to buy your house, while living in it with toddlers, animals and a spouse whose occupation throws up in your house every day, then you, my friend, are my hero.

Vanessa Lynch is a military spouse, mom and a former metro editor for the Killeen Daily Herald.

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