I’m trying to write this column and having the worst time of it. The more I try, the more I think about it, the tighter my chest feels. I think I might have a panic attack. The minutes are ticking away. This is it, the moment of truth. I have no more time to procrastinate.
I got up with the sun this morning (or, ahem, my version of that) so I would have plenty of time to write.
Now here I am, staring at the empty white page, checking Facebook every two minutes to see if anyone “liked” the photo I just posted of my granddaughters all dressed up for their trip to see Santa. One “like.” Now, two “likes.” Oh look, it’s my cousin’s birthday. I must write a birthday message on his wall: “Happy Birthday, Cuz! Not to rub it in but you are three days older than Chuck! Haha!”
I spend the next 10 minutes checking to see if he has commented on my post. Nope, not yet. Not yet. Still, not yet. I see he’s online, so why hasn’t he commented? Did he not see it yet? Is he mad because I reminded him that he is older than my husband?
Hey, my daughter Jessica just tagged me in a comment. She’s so sweet. That reminds me of a text exchange we had recently. Let me see if I can find it. Scroll, scroll, scroll...
Wait, what was I doing? Oh yeah ... my column.
I take a break from the computer, pour another cup of coffee, eat my bowl of oatmeal that has sat cooling on the kitchen counter for the past hour, and wander around the house.
I check on the dogs. Yep, they’re still on early-morning squirrel patrol in the backyard. Nothing new to report. I watch them for a few minutes. They’re so darn cute.
I head toward my office, stopping to rearrange ornaments on the Christmas tree.
The cat tells me he wants in the bathroom. I open the door and turn on the water in the sink so he can get a drink. I check out my hair in the bathroom mirror. Yep, it’s still there. Nothing new to report.
I consider doing some yoga. That’s about as far as my exercise routine goes these days. I am in complete winter hibernation mode now. Eating, sleeping and watching “American Pickers” reruns on TV — that’s all I want to do. Unfortunately, I am not a bear and must do other things, like work and Christmas shopping.
As I said, I consider doing some yoga. Maybe all the stretching and breathing and Downward Spiral Elephant will clear my mind and help me be creative. But to do yoga, I have to pull the P90X CD out of the case, take it to my office, insert it in the DVD player, turn on the TV, put on a bra and maybe some yoga pants, find the yoga block, move furniture out of the way, go to the bathroom and, perhaps, pour another cup of coffee and eat some pita chips.
Just thinking about all that makes me tired, so there will be no Upward Yawning Cow today.
I’ve managed to waste another precious 15 minutes and my column still has not produced itself.
I guess some things are just not meant to be.
Contact Kristi Johnson at email@example.com or (254) 501-7548