To the Editor:
I would like to take this opportunity to warn people about tazers or stun guns.
I recently saw a new “1 million-volt tazer” online and thought to myself, “Wow, that’s awesome! A million volts.” So, I bought it. Hey, every man wants a toy like that. Doubt it? Ask a man.
The effects of a tazer are supposed to be short-lived and not cause any permanent damage to any would-be assailant. It just affords one time to get away to safety.
Anyway, I put four AAA batteries in the tazer in accordance with the instructions and then pressed the button. Surprisingly, nothing happened. Not surprisingly, I was annoyed.
I checked the batteries, tried it again, but still nothing. I decided to press it against my table, and sure enough, a bright blue arc appeared.
This particular kind of tazer actually required you to touch something (or someone) to get it to work.
Now my curiosity was getting the best of me. “What,” I thought to myself, “would happen if I tried it on someone to test it out? You know, just for a split second but not long enough to do any harm.
The directions said a one-second burst would disorient the assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and major loss of body control, and a three-second burst would cause the assailant to fall to the ground and flop around like a fish out of water. Anything over three seconds was just a waste of battery power.
What happened next is embarrassing. I was home alone. I was wearing shorts and I thought to myself, “Just a tiny tap on the button with the tazer on my thigh, less than a split second, tops (I thought) shouldn’t be a problem yet would satisfy my curiosity.”
I think I momentarily levitated and then did a body slam to the floor. I vaguely recall waking up in the fetal position, sweating profusely and foaming at the mouth.
I had to brace myself on the coffee table to get on the couch, where I hoped I could fully recover. If my hair wasn’t already white, that sure would have done the job. I would still periodically twitch a little and my face felt like it had been numbed with a case of Novocain.
You should know that if you ever decide to “mug yourself” with this tazer, there is no such thing as a split-second taze. You won’t be able to take your finger off the tazer button until it is jarred loose from your hand from the violent thrashing of your body on the floor. That had to have been at least a 10-second taze.
I’m pleased to report that even at 68 years of age I survived my self-tazing experiment — barely. My wife is also having a wonderful time telling everyone she knows about my “experience,” probably so she can carry on with her endless laugh-fest at my expense. I think you know the moral of the story.